On a wing and a prayer

[the_baking_vampire]

This isn't the first charge he's ever had as a guardian angel, so it's not exactly as if he's new at his job. He's never broken the rules before or failed in his task. He's always followed strictly to the rules and protected his charges with the utmost care and diligence.

He never thought things would be so much different with John Grimm.

As a boy, he'd lost his parents, and Seere had been tasked to him without any real explanation of why. Sometimes, that's how it goes; an assignment without a reason. It's never bothered him. All he knew was that he needed to protect the boy, and by extension, that usually meant protecting his twin sister, as well, inseparable as they were.

For years, Seere watched him grow, a sad, shy, and reserved child who turned into a handsome young man.

It was difficult when John entered the military. Seere can't fix mental anguish. How does one protect against that sort of thing without keeping a soul from gaining the necessary experiences to benefit from having lived? So, he watches as John struggles through bootcamp, watches as he struggles with the deaths of his friends, with the guilt that comes with it. He wants to help, but there's nothing he can do. He can't protect everyone. Only John.

Seere is wary when John gets selected for the RRTS. It's such a dangerous squad. Protecting him becomes a full-time task, flitting in and out of John's vision, exploiting those fractional blind spots that all humans have to subtly change the trajectory of bullets or nudge him away from a falling object or protect him from an explosion.

During these years, he's grown closer to John. He knows he shouldn't get attached, but John is such a sweet, loyal person, Seere can't help but care for him. He's gentle and protects those around him, gives everything he's got to try to keep his friends safe. He's grown into a man that Seere is proud to watch over, even if it's become dangerous to do so. Angels aren't allowed to love.

Still, his job goes well up until John is in his 26th year -- and he suddenly disappears.

Seere tracks his last signature to the point where it disappeared. It's a portal to Mars. Seere knows this, but he can't go. He can't leave the sphere of influence that Angels have on Earth. He can't travel to Mars with him, can't protect him. For once in his eternal life, Seere is afraid he will fail. He's not afraid of the punishment for it, he's afraid for John.

So, he heads back to Heaven to wait, and never have two days seemed so long for someone with as much patience as he has.

As soon as John's familiar tug reappears on Earth, Seere seeks him out.

He finds him at the hospital, beside the bed of his sister, and he immediately looks the both of them over for injuries. John is perfectly healthy, as far as Seere can tell, but Sam seems as if she has been wounded. Not fatally so, thankfully.

He breathes out a sigh of relief. He is so glad to see his charge is safe.

Comments

[the_baking_vampire]

He's not entirely sure what to do, but he's seen people comfort others through touch at times of grief. He's never really had the opportunity to try it himself because he's never had a charge see him before, but this is different. It bends the rules and Seere has to go based on the best response for the situation, and according to him, the best response is to help however he can.

Very carefully, he gathers John, blankets and all, into his arms and silences the world around them. He rocks slowly from side to side and sings quietly in Latin. Adoro te devote.

[beautifulanimal]

That feels.... really ridiculous. After almost a decade living with Macho and Testosterone, it just feels so fucking stupid to be cradled like this. Someone's singing for him like he's a fucking BABY. The urge is to laugh, or to punch the guy. Whatever. Just get out of this situation...

But underneath that, running deeper than humans are equipped to realize, there's again that familiar sense of comfort. He's safe in these arms, it says. And John closes his eyes and ignores all the voices that are laughing at him.

[the_baking_vampire]

Seere will hold John all night, humming softly and keeping all other noises and disturbances at bay. He hopes that a solid sleep will help to alleviate some of John's stress and that, come morning, he'll be in a better state of mind.

[beautifulanimal]

He sleeps so peacefully. No nightmares, no dreams at all. No crying in his sleep or tossing and turning to try to escape imaginary foes. Just hours and hours of actual fucking rest, which is more than he has had in years.

When he wakes up, he's a little confused. He looks up at the guy holding him like he's trying to figure out if he got too drunk last night and ended up in some random bed, but that only lasts seconds before it all comes back to him and he frowns.

"I was hoping you'd turn out to be just a dream. Like the rest of this."

[the_baking_vampire]

"It's not a dream. I'm sorry. Can I do anything for you? Are you in pain?"

Seere's primary goal is to find some way to get rid of John's emotional pain. He understand that this change is something that is weighing heavily on him, but maybe there's some way to help with that. He just has to figure out what it is.

[beautifulanimal]

"Why do you even care?"

He pulls away from him. It feels awkward to stay that close. Too intimate in all the wrong ways, at least now that he's a little more awake and aware. He doesn't go far. He stays on the edge of the bed, glancing sideways at the angel.

"You already said there's nothing you can do."

[the_baking_vampire]

"I've been watching over you for so long now that I can't not care." It's the truth. What started out as merely another job evolved into Seere caring a great deal for his charge -- much more than is allowed.

"I may not be able to reverse what happened to you, but I'll continue to watch over you as I always have. You're still the same person. You're still under my protection."

[beautifulanimal]

"Seems a little pointless to me. There's people out there who actually need you. People deserve it."

[the_baking_vampire]

"You need me," Seere says quietly, but with surety. There are many times now that John would have did without him. And now... Seere suspects John will need him more than ever.

[beautifulanimal]

"Do I? I never even knew you were there. Maybe you're the one who needs me."

[the_baking_vampire]

"Of course you didn't know I was there. You weren't supposed to. Angels move in the spaces between where humans see."

It's alright if John doesn't believe him. He can't force him to believe; that's something he needs to do on his own.

Though... Seere does want him to believe because John is somewhat right. Seere does need him in some small way that he can't quite name.

[beautifulanimal]

"Whatever, I gotta check on Sam."

Which is mostly true, but it's also that he doesn't want to continue this talk. He doesn't know what to say. So the logical choice is to escape to the bathroom with the excuse that he needs to brush his teeth and look somewhat human before he goes to the hospital.

[the_baking_vampire]

"If you need me, just call." Seere leaves then and he heads back to Heaven to see if he can get any more information on what happened to John.

It doesn't matter if John doesn't remember his name. If John wishes him to be there, he will be.

[beautifulanimal]

Sam's not at the hospital. She's already left and she didn't even bother to call and tell him. He could have gone after her, but he takes that as a hint and goes back to his own apartment. He still has two days of leave before he has to report for a more extensive debriefing.

Once he's home, he spends a while just staring at the food in the fridge. He's starving, but has absolutely no appetite. He could use a beer and there is one left in there, but he doesn't take it. Instead the fridge door is slammed shut and John pulls his clothes off to go take a shower.

Twenty minutes later, he's sitting on the shower floor, smashed tiles and glass all around him, and he's staring at his arm. The skin is flawless, despite the fact that he just sliced it open from his wrist to his elbow. He does it again, and again the cut just... vanishes before he even gets a chance to properly bleed. It's like something in him snaps, then. He starts slashing at himself with a shard of glass, faster and deeper, like he's desperate to make something STICK.

[the_baking_vampire]

It doesn't take long for Seere to show up. He could feel that repeated, sharp pain through his connection with John and he knows there's something wrong.

His trip there is almost instantaneous, and when he sees what John is doing to himself, he rushes over to grab his hands and stop him. "John. John. What are you doing? Put the glass down."

Seere can see that the wounds are healing, and he knows that's not his doing, but he doesn't want to focus on that for now. He just wants John to stop trying to kill himself. It's killing Seere a little, too.

[beautifulanimal]

"I'm NOT doing anything. Look. Nothing."

He holds his arm out for Seere to see. There's droplets of watered down blood all over him and the shower in general, but there's no cut or scar. It's like he showered in red water.

"Nothing."

[the_baking_vampire]

"I know. I can see that." Seere reaches over to turn off the water and when he touches his fingers to the tiled walls, the missing pieces instantly repair themselves and the glass disappears off the floor and out of John's hands.

"Come. Let's get you dried off." He stands up and guides John to do the same, opening the shower door and reaching for a towel to wrap him in.

Thank goodness John's alright. Relatively.

[beautifulanimal]

He lets Seere drag him up, doesn't resist, but he's not exactly helping him along either. If Seere lets go, he'll sink back down to the floor.

"I don't even know what I am."

[the_baking_vampire]

It's a good thing Seere has enough strength to hold John up while he wraps the towel around him, and then he picks him up and carries him to the couch. He settles them both onto it, cradling John close and stroking over his hair.

"I haven't any answers for you. You're something new, something not seen on Earth before, but that does not mean you are a bad thing. You're not evil. Your soul is still good and pure."

[beautifulanimal]

"I'm a monster. I want to rip your wings off and break every bone in your body. I could break all of mine, but they'll just heal so what's the point?"

[the_baking_vampire]

Seere doesn't stop petting him. "Why would you want to hurt me?" He's not asking because he's afraid or worried, he's asking because he wants to understand. He wants to know what's going on in John's head.

[beautifulanimal]

"Because you're here and you're alive, and the voice in my head is telling me to destroy you."

[the_baking_vampire]

"You haven't acted on it." In his mind, that means John's not a monster. A monster would just do it, would just attack him without hesitation.

He holds him a little tighter and rests his chin on top of the brunet's head. "Whatever you need, just tell me."

[beautifulanimal]

"Kill me."

[the_baking_vampire]

That request cuts right through Seere, and he closes his eyes against the ache that makes his chest feel tight. "Even if that were a request I could grant, I wouldn't."